Positivity Re-energised

Saturday morning was spent with some like minded people who wished to increase their positivity towards life....

As you would expect from me, my mind has been whirring ever since.  I have always tried to be a positive person, but felt as though life had sucked the plus out of my body, leaving me drained and dull (this is totally separate from my M.E.).  I have a positive pact with Tracey, and given what life has thrown at us, we always try to react with a can-do attitude.  But, sometimes just saying the words don't automatically make it happen.  It's learning to practise Positivity, balancing the Ying and the Yang, because they have to co-exist in order to satisfy the balance of life energy.

I hadn't recognised my positive habits, because if I am honest with myself, I don't really have any.  Life is hard, but losing ownership of myself, makes the change near impossible to make.  Looking at myself, rose glasses removed, with honesty rather than criticism, I can look to see what I need to do in order to create and practise positivity......

So... how can I start to influence my life and open my mind to setting about a positive future with a fully functioning attitude!

I think it mainly comes down to happiness, appreciating the simple things in life.  A child's smile, a nice compliment, a cuddle with a dog.  Those things which don't require money, effort, they are simply perfect moments, and we can be responsible for creating perfect moments, by being mindful of them, both for ourselves and others.

I don't think straight a lot of the time.  Some of it is brain fog, but my brain has lost some of it's elasticity, its strength.  I need to build it back up again.  After a time of hibernation it becomes easier to allow those who love me to look after me and I stop looking after myself however, I need to take ownership of me.  Unfortunately the way that I have done things bit by bit, has damaged my self worth, esteem, and my confidence has taken a battering and my shell lacks soul.

My brain lacks the umph it once had, that's the only way to explain it really.  So, nothing changes, if nothing changes.  Lorna talked about taking responsibility for the life that we have.  If it's not what we want and makes us happy then we can make change ask for help and guidance from my angels and start working towards positivity..

Reading again the handout Lorna kindly gave to us.  There are several area's that I need to address.  No time like the present.  The first one is to look after myself, to give care to myself.  It's simple things that make the difference.  Wearing nice clean clothes, brushing my hair, painting my nails.  Be bothered rather than not.

Next definitely has to be "you are what you eat or drink".  I added the last bit.  I am starting to make healthy changes and I need to just buckle down and get at it.  I can't expect to get the results if I am not putting in the effort, or communicating my intentions.  I need to find my inner voice and slap her just a little.  I can't moan, if I'm not putting in the work.

I also need to declutter my life.  I have 'stuff' too much 'stuff' that I don't need and other stuff that just doesn't have a home.  If my life is cluttered, so is my brain and I need life to be clean, tidy and straight forward.  Again, these are changes that I can implement.  Talk the talk and walk the walk.

I know that there are things beyond my control, such as my illness and my financial situation.  But I can make the most of the time that I am given with a positive head in place.

My writing is so important to me, well if it is then I should be doing it.  The TV goes on and suddenly I'm absorbed, not because what I'm watching is that fascinating (Real Housewives excluded), but the effort to do something is lacking, again, that comes around to not caring enough about myself to do something about it.

So, I am aiming for balance in my life, to energise the ying and the yang. To see the happy things, bring my positive self to the table, get her dressed and sparkling and bounce back to being the Jo I used to be.  

Mindfulness

For those of you who aren't quite up to date with the daily gossip of my life (shame on you have you a life of your own to concentrate on?), I was re-referred back to the ME/CFS Specialist Clinic in Bristol as I was deteriorating.  There were quite few potential solutions to the problems I was encountering, one of which lead to the suggestion of Mindfulness.

Initially I had the preconceived idea that I would be sat in a comfy sofa, joss-sticks smoking around me, with strange music with harps, waterfalls and birds singing in the background whilst I breathed in a deep and relaxing way, occasionally chanting, humming or performing some other bodily noise as demonstrated at the time.  I would leave the session smelling of lovely aromatic essential oils, in my slippers, floating on a haze of relaxation and restfulness.

How wrong could I have been???

As with other courses that I have been on, kudos has to go to the team in Gloucester Pain Clinic for their patience and dedication, handling a room full of sceptical individuals who quite frankly are fed up of having to live with chronic pain in their lives, are hacked off with not finding a solution, and are now faced with the fact that they have enrolled on a course that quite frankly isn't what they expected.

What has occurred over the few weeks is a gradual understanding of what 'mindfulness' is, a gradual comradery of individuals on the course and mostly a keeness to see the course through to completion.

Mindfulness isn't about relaxing, it isn't about curing or stopping pain.  What it is though, is an awareness of the here and now!  How many times have you driven to a destination, arrived and suddenly thought, "goodness gracious me, I don't recall the journey" or words to that effect.  How many times, do you listen to someone talking to you & suddenly think, what did they just say? Gone into a room and forgotten what you went in for?  Watched your children have their swimming lesson and you miss that vital triumphant moment, because you were too busy looking into thin air, away with the fairies, planning dinner, going through a shopping list, thinking about an upcoming date (hint hint), or even how to get out of seeing the in-laws this weekend?  We all do it! Some more so than others.

Our minds are free spirits, they go off at a tangent given the slightest opportunity they are presented with.  The busier the person, the freer the mind.  That doesn't make sense does it.  Think of it as the mind multi-tasking the whole time.  If I am honest, I have lived my life in this way for ever.  A catchup gossip with a great friend earlier this week highlighted this point, when lovingly she said "you've lived your life full speed 150mph, giving 150% of yourself to everything you do".  Therein lies the crux of my problems my whole life, in that little statement.

There is meditation in this skill known as 'mindfulness', but it is more aimed at creating your awareness of the here and now. You don't fail because your mind strays, that's natural, but it's bringing the mind back to focus on the meditation, on the breathing.  It's new meditation this week incorporates scanning the body and checking how everything feels.  If a part feels painful, tingles, feels numb, then it's about not fighting that feeling, let it wash over, accept it, don't dwell and move to the next part of your body which might not feel painful, but might just be rubbing against the chair, or you feel weighted from a part of your body. Learning to be mindful of ones self is like building up a muscle, you have to exercise it for it to perform to its optimum level, you have to form a habit so that it becomes a part of you.

I had no idea how much this would really help me come to terms with what I was doing, how I was doing it.  How my brain was completely away with the fairies.  OK, so there are sometimes when I want to be there, but I was too focused on rushing everything at 150mph.  Every task I do, is rushed, whether it is eating a meal, drinking a cuppa, even those activities that I am doing to try to help me feel better, such as sewing or crafting.  I rush to see the final version which is why, I have so many projects started and unfinished, because they took too long.  

Suddenly being mindful to what I have been doing has meant that I was able to be in the moment, watching Madison play netball, seeing how she spaced herself away from the others to get the ball, how crisp her catching was and how good her eye was at identifying the best player to throw to.  I have listened to the girls read and tested them on their spellings for the past two days without the tv on, without my Kindle or phone in front of my face, I listened to them, could give them appropriate feedback because I had been in the moment.

I have now programmed my phone with a special mindfulness bell which goes off periodically throughout the day, to make sure that I am 'in the moment' and 'grounded'.  I am going to look at a pilates group that I have found that is for those with difficulties.  The TV isn't going to be unnecessarily as I don't particularly enjoy a lot of the programmes - except from the British Sewing Bee, which I watch intently, completely in the moment, as opposed to merely looking at the screen, perhaps occasionally following the plot but ultimately looking at it and thinking about other things.

I have an opportunity to really concentrate on all the positive things in my life and this skill will help me to deal with my pain, accept it and try to move away from it so that I can live each moment and enjoy it to the max.

Nothing ventured nothing gained.

2014 Dreamin

2014 Manifesto - http://pinterest.com/pin/31314159883394489/

Its 1st Feb so I thought I had better get my groove on & talk about Dreams.  I gave up with New Years Resolutions a long time ago because, if within a few days circumstances dictate you are unable to fulfil your resolution,  then you feel like you have failed - where as I love the saying,  if you're giving it your best, you're halfway to success.

So this year is about my DREAMS.

The most important thing to me is family, so I dream about each one of them being happy & riding life with as few hiccups as possible,  with a strength within our bond that will keep the positive vibe, no matter what.  We have been faced with many challenges in recent years, like so many friends, ours are due to come to a head, sooner rather than later. It will either be great news or we will make the alternative great. As long as we love each other, hold each other tight, rid ourselves of the negative energies that consumes our spirits, then we can deal with it.

I want this year to be about making special memories.  Taking time being together. It started off brilliantly with Madison performing in Young Voices. The energy of 7, 000 children sining was incredible.  I want day trips, picnics, reading together, watching films. Visiting places of interest - Stratford, Stonehenge, Cathedrals, walking the dog & we have already planned our first family holiday since Cassidy was 5 months old. I want my children never to doubt our commitment,  love of life & making memories, cakes, friendships.....

As for my girls!

My sensitive treasure Madison, for her I wish confidence, assertiveness,  the ability not to worry so much & enjoy being a child & learn that sometimes the world isnt kind but its an amazing place so, OUT WITH THE NEGATIVE, IN WITH THE POSITIVE.  Also that mummy isn't her illness, that its just a nusiance but appreciate & see all that she can do rather than, those things that she cant.

For my baby Bear Cassidy, for her I dream of inheriting a tidy gene! To care about her possessions so that they are respected and looked after.  To take a chance when its offered to try new things as a solo artist rather than as a part of duo.

I dream of happiness for my loves, my reasons.

For hubby - I hope that your dreams include you too. Always so good at helping not only us but anyone else in any way you can. Find and follow your path as Nij, not just hubby & daddy - of which I have to say I am so incredibly proud of all that you have dealt with & put up with & managed. 

I dream that as a couple this year we can connect together apart from the children & enjoy a date or two just like the good old days. Also as parents continue to experience 1st's and amazing times no matter how small or large.

For me : firstly to continue to make progress with my health. I am Jo, me not Jo with M.E.  The beginning of this year  has already seen positive changes with many more due to happen throughout Feb & March. I am keeping the motion going forward, I just need to ride the crashes without fear or regret but keep the momentum going forward.

Friends : have always been so very important to me.  I want to spend time with my buddies near & far. Already caught up with my long lost friend Leda from 15 years ago. I am also getting together with my chief bridesmaid, my clinic friends. I am looking forward to visiting Chigwell, Nottingham, Forest of Dean, to name but a few places on the visiting hit list! Watch out! I'M coming for you!

I still struggle with the whole not working conundrum.  My dream is to immerse myself in my craft, scrapbooking  sewing & writing.  Being Mummy is the best job title that there is so that's truly my job for the rest of my life.

I could say that I want to lose weight & thats true; but it goes hand in hand with my illness.  I will however wish that the planets align so that 2014 sees happiness within myself & without.  Beauty comes from your spirit & soul & also from loving yourself, something that along the way has been forgotten - a bit of eyeliner & lip-gloss makes so much difference,  bit of nail polish & jewellery again makes a girl feel better so I dream of feeling better.

I dream of decluttering & organisation.  It's a work in progress but my planner has been bought & small steps taken - wardrobe sorted - first goal achieved.  Its not how quick I do it but persevering to keep it up & at the same time teach the children.  They have been given a list of expectations.  They are given pocket money to save & pocket money to spend if they have scored well against their lists.   This is karma punishing me for my messy childhood!!! See she does work!

I hope to bake cakes that dont burn, plant flowers to enjoy, that dont die. Listen to powerful tunes that inspire.  I want to look out of the window & appreciate the blue skies & sunshine, the cold & snow (as long as I don't have to drive) & as for the rain? Ppppfffttt you aint gonna turn my days grey. I want ro love hearing the laughter & snoring from my babies. Being the witness as they experience new opportunities & enjoy life.  The simple everyday things that we so often miss I hope to appreciate.  So blessed to have my family.

I think there is an element of fighting back in a realky positive way. If a situation isnt right we do what we can to change it & make it better - be brave & deal with life head on rqther than waiting in the wings foe it to hit us.

I want to create a home full of love, friendship & happiness for 2014 & I wish for the health to enjoy every moment of it.... I hope that all my friends & loved ones get to share our dreams for the days ahead....

Dreams

Friends

Friends - http://pinterest.com/pin/8092474304488448/

Making Life Simple

Isn’t it strange how we suddenly stop doing things that work for ourselves.  Like getting up five minutes early to make sure we can have breakfast. Or organizing the kids play dates weeks in advance to avoid disappointment at the weekends. In short just plain old fashioned planning.

My light bulb revelation moment came, when Hubby produced a three day food plan (out of thin air – yay him).  Something, which used to occur weekly in this house, until a few years ago.  However, time and life got in the way and it slipped by the way side, it shouldn’t have done but it did. 

Just a simple act of writing down dinners for the next couple of days has alleviated the constant thought process of what are we going to have for dinner tonight followed by the shopping and time wasting that went with the responding decision.  Most of which happened last minute in a rush during the evening routine, which isn’t the best time as most parents can appreciate and understand.

We used to shop differently, fill up the freezer to capacity and then eat out of it topping up with fresh items when needed.  This worked for us – so why stop doing it? Children.  I am going to put the blame on them : well, indirectly anyway.  I don’t think that we really got as far as thinking ahead, what after school activities would entail and the impact on the evening non-routine.  Not that I am disputing this is exactly how it should be, I encourage our children to do anything they feel they might like, but it’s the follow-through that my brain seems to press pause on. 

Learning from our experiment to day, we have come to the conclusion that we need to downsize our minds, in to a more concise manageable process that will have knock-on benefits for all areas of our lives.

Simple, that’s how we need life to be these days. 

As simple, as can be possible. 

We used to take for granted our teamwork capabilities, Nij could do a certain job whilst I did another, then I became poorly and it all went to pot.  So in this case the children have been mildly let off and we’ll aim the blame firmly at M.E.’s doorway – well it sucks anyway so might as well blame it for something else!

Nij reconnected with our menu planning because my mental food head has been all over the place.  First on Slimming World then Body by Vi then nothing, then all of it, then back and forth, until my weight ballooned, my head was hurting and confused and I didn’t know which way to go.  So now it’s all sorted.  I have a shake for breakfast and lunch and a weight watchers tea.  Simple.  The other three members of the family can pretty much eat the same thing, but Nij has frozen some meals for himself for back-up! 

At last we are getting our mojo back one small step at a time.  Perhaps this is the start of the long fight back to normality.  On second thought, normality is highly over-rated so we’ll just settle for being healthy and happy!  That’s one heck of a goal to have and live for.