Give a Little Love - Rantings of a Dreamer

I pull myself out of my dream state, not a common state for me to be in with the amount of medication I take.  I have always believed that dreams are our connection to the spirit world that they contain messages, advice, foreboding, you get the picture.  Last night I dreamed a dream of a 1000 episodes.  The dream that when you awaken for however brief a moment you are sucked straight back into the same dream, maybe not at the same precise time you left it but within the same 'episode'.  Imagine my surprise when I woke to find that the morning had evaporated with the memories of the dream being watched.  13.20pm, I finally managed to pull my conscious away back to the here and now. 

I cannot tell you exactly what the dream was about, but this morning, sorry, this afternoon I am left, with a feeling of loss.  A loss of love.  Something that I never ever in my wildest dreams (sorry a few unintentional puns might slip through) thought would ever be the case for me.  I love to love, dreamt of being in love, the prince, the kisses, the love-making, the romance, the passion, the children, the happiness that would envelope my life every day.  That is the me I think I am, or at least that I used to be, before I allowed myself to be robbed of it.

So life doesn't always work out the way you plan it, I wonder if there is anyone who can claim it does? Perhaps the planner, the 10 year objective maker who's list of goals is constantly marked down and strived for but is that really a life?  Yes, to some it is, we are all different and cannot be tarred with the same brush (pretty boring world otherwise).  But that's not the life for me.  Another question for another day.

As for today, my mind thinks of hardship. HARD.  I wonder in my pre-sleepiness daze, whether or not I, at the same time, lost the happiness gene, I turned off the love too.  Or not necessary turned it off, but kinda lost it along the way.  I do love, honestly I do, my family, my girls, my husband, my dog, my friends, but I think along the way, with the hardships that life threw at us, at me, I lost the passion, the fire in my belly that has driven me my whole life.  I discovered or rather uncovered in counselling that I had an unachievable level of expectation for myself, that my good was never good enough.  So, I wonder, at the same time as I realised that I had to turn it down a little bit, whether I actually lost the bleedin thing!!  Because I struggle to remember when I felt the fire in my belly the last time, feel the passion that used to drive my life forward (that gave me the edge to do better, the edge to do more, how can I possibly know where to find it again - find the FIGHT!!

If you look at my life now, it all feels a bit tired, a bit hard!  Or perhaps you don't see that, I'm going the whole hog and just having a wallowing session of mamouth proportions.  But I don't feel as though there is a purpose, I don't have a purpose.  I don't feel as though I am the person that I want it to be.  It feels to me as though I have given up being a person, an individual, a fighter, a fire belly burning individual that I was proud to be. Instead, I don't know who I am.  Except to say that everything reflects how I feel.  Everything is hard and tired.  An explanation is required to myself as much as to you and that is where for me the project must start.  If it doesn't I'll end up reading this blog in months, god forbid, years, thinking well nothing changed, because I did nothing to change.

I was never a particularly tidy person, but I was organised.  I had pride in things.  Myself, my car, my house, my appearance, my children.  Now I feel as though that is lost.  The carpet that welcomes people into my home, is disgusting, the walls are dirty, I walk past them daily but do not wash them.  Things are collected and moved from place to place, never dealt with just moved.  Ther is no place for everything and everything is most certainly not in its' place.  The girls don't treat their toys with respect, they are used, battered and lost. There is no structure, no organisation, no life, no love.  OK, I have been a bit melodramatic but that's how I feel and this is my blog!  Just giving just that little bit of love, would mark some the changes that could take place.

To my children - a little bit more love, could give them more structure, more responsibility, more confidence in themselves, more pride in their appearance, their attitude, and their space.  It would also mean they have no doubt that they are my perfect moments (an explanation on that will come another time).  They will know what it means to think of others, to be kind, thoughtful - what you give out, you get back, I say it like I do it, but perhaps if I just say that I used to.  Please don't think that I have raised a couple of rug-rat- Neanderthals but just showing that little bit more consideration  and respect for things and people will make a big difference. 

My friends.  They are so important to me, but I don't really think they necessarily know it.  I know I do tell them but.....  The internet, the mobile phone, my addiction to Facebook, Twitter, Kindle, TV.  I don't make time for those that aren't within travelling distance to call to make sure they are doing great, to visit, to spend just a moment of time with them, a moment that you never know may be taken away from you.....

My household,  OUCH that is such a big one.  It needs some love back into it, in fact, it needs a full blown, lip-smackingly passionate affair of the highest degree of all things loving.  Small things can make such a big difference. The hoover being put around, the carpet being cleaned, the toilets having bleach in them, the dinner things put away at night, the duster coming out, if you see something that needs doing instead of ignoring it just do it.  That's for starters - I don't want to take up the whole post going through everything that is wrong that needs to be done.  Let's just say that it is a massive undertaking of our own creation - using excuses as time, money, energy can only be excuses for so long.  The circumstances have continued to change but the excuses remain the same.  You can't have something for nothing.  You've got to put the effort in to get the results out.

My family:  again it's very similar to my friends.  I am so blessed with my parents, and my brother with whom I have nothing in common, whom doesn't really have a lot to say to me, but he's awesome, just different to me (if he read this he's probably grateful).  I need to take time to let them know that I love them, regular phone calls, visits, cards just being thoughtful.  How many times have you opened the post and there is a colourful envelope amongst the bills and the debt.  It pulls you to it and you open it first, a surprise card just to say you are loved, speaks more than a thousand words!

My relationship:  Ahhhh.  Time to talk, time to romance, time to love, time to be honest, rediscover the passion, even a few hidden kisses, a few little cuddles. It doesn't have to be about the sex, although obviously.....  it has to be about the acts of love!  The talking, the being together rather than existing in the same household. Its about valuing each others opinion but also making it a partnership, one that I have been sadly lacking in the equality stakes recently.

Truth be told at the moment I don't feel as though I am benefiting the world in any way, certainly not myself.  Failure is a horrible word, so I'm not going to use it - I'm in a state of sleep at the moment, but it's about bloody time I woke up and smelt the gladioli! 

So I've kind of left myself to last...  perhaps because I am a little at a loss of how to fix this and give myself some love.  Each element of the above will have an impact on myself.  I need to find what makes me happy again.  I need to get myself well so that I can get a fire in my belly again.  In Edward Cullin's words - that to me is my very own brand of heroin!  I want to be able to clear my life so that I can live it again.  Purge myself of all that makes me unhappy, that isn't right, that is annoying, frustrating, that causes problems, but I don't think death is an option!!  

So, I need to seriously put my thinking cap on and come up with some solutions that will start to give me back my life, but ones that I can do, that I will do, because as much as you might be fed up with me harping on about making changes, I am fed up of not following through and being in the same situation, every couple of months because I haven't been able to work out a proper solution  that has made enough difference to tilt the scales towards the feel good factor.  

Some might argue that our circumstances, being in debt, me being diagnosed with M.E., Nij not having a job and having to becme my carer is enough to make life hard, it is, but I don't want hardness in my life, I want a little love.  

So whilst I settle myself down to create the next part of my dream, I shall try to dream solutions. I need to decide what I want for me, so that I can make things happen and get addicted to my fire again.  

I'm not bailing on myself, I am giving myself a chance to be positive......  A chance to think clearly about what difference I can realistically make.  For me to give a little love and dream a better dream....

Right of Passage

The start of the new school term and the message is coming through loud and clear - thank goodness a bit of normality returns, but I cannot share those same sentiments.  I have always loved having my children at home with me.  It is where they belong.  I didn't become a mother to give them away for the majority of the day.  My concept truly made by emotion rather than functionality or practicality, and I realise that this is a whole can of worms.  Before we go down that route, I was very lucky that I had changed my career before my children came along that allowed me that luxury as well as working until very recently.

I remember when Madison first started nursery, I could hear her when she cried, I knew it in my soul, we had a connection so strong.  I know when Cassidy fought me all the way into the school, I knew when her soul was settled and she had eased into her day.  Don't ask me how, but I know.

I truly don't believe you know what unconditional love is until you hold your child in your arms.  If only they came with a little guide!  It wouldn't have to be a fully indexed A-Z of every aspect of their entire lives, lets face it a little surprise and spontaneity is a good thing.  But how to help them deal with the obstacles of life would be a great help through the darker days of helping someone grow up (when fundamentally you don't want them to), especially through the early years. 

I think I've learnt more things about myself in the past 3 years than I have in the 38 I had lived previously to that, I could live regretting it or realise that the next 20 can be different.  It would be reassuring to know that I've helped them get through the problems that I can help them with, whilst they are in my care and with every fibre of my being I will adhere to the promise, that I would do absolutely anything I could to make my child happy if they were born fit and healthy (you made that promise too I know it).

So where is my dilemma?  Trying to help my daughter deal with the cruelty of others.  I have always brought both of my children up to be kind, caring, thoughtful, sensitive, polite and respectful.  In the main, as far as others are concerned they both are and I couldn't be prouder of them both.  But kids are cruel and working out complex relationships at 9 years old, shouldn't be a factor, but it is, times are changing, a child isn't allowed much of a childhood anymore before they are pigeon-holed, studied, analysed and boxed. 

These children are going through at 9 what I did at senior school.  It's Madison's right of passage to live through this experience and learn how to put the coping mechanisms in place now, so that they are secure and solid for her to build upon, the trouble is shaky foundations from a previous difficulty at school, coupled with an unrelenting worry and anger about my illness means that unlike her peers, she is more sensitive and takes to heart all that is going on around her.  "Why can't everyone just be friends and have fun together?  If they don't like someone why not just stay away from that person and if they do like someone, then just be kind and play with them."  Straight forward, but yet it never is.

This school playground mentality and behaviour will haunt them their whole lives (girls being bitchy and gossipping, boys that can do sport and can't) until that is I can help to teach them otherwise.  We do not want to deal with negativity and those children who choose to behave in this way exude negative energy which is draining and tiring and we do not have the spare energy capacity to deal with it.  If we can't change something, then we have to try not to worry about it, because again, that's wasted energy which we don't want to use in this way.  It is so amazing how much negative karma is given off by others that we absorb like sponges until we become the lemming that follows the pack.  Not everyone is born to be a leader and often those that take that 'role' at school, is merely the one who has the best manipulating skills (future politician), or who exudes confidence to the point of unquestioning leadership (future politician), or the one who has older siblings in the school, a well 'known' family in the area - one of the in crowd that often exists with the boundaries of the schooling community.

So with trepidation, the school year term begins, the final one before we can say goodbye to two years of stolen items, things going missing, disrupted lessons, acts of intimidation, bullying and unkind words and actions.    If it wasn't for the fact that I myself am academically challenged and energy inefficient then I would consider home-tutoring.  But alas that is not meant to be - luckily for both of my girls.

How quickly they grow.  I cannot stop time or turn it back because if I could not only would I be onto a complete winner financially but in addition there are some pretty major events that I would change, especially the owl glasses that I wore at 17! I want to make sure that the strength that I am trying to instill in my children, a confidence in what is right and wrong, what makes a good person, cherishing their kindness & nurturing their spirits so that they can live their dreams, experience their gifts and live a happy life.  I just have to somehow get them through the next couple of years schooling whilst hoping all of their amazing qualities that makes them who they are remain unspoilt.

Cassidy - first day of pre-school

Madison Year 1

Madison Reception - 1st Day of Infant School

My Beautiful Girls - I couldn't be more proud!

Forgotten How To Be Sexy, Feel Sexy, Think Sexy - Ugly Duckling Syndrome

This post is pretty personal & I don't think that I am probably alone with my thoughts, but yet I find myself not wanting to write this with anyone else peeping over my shoulder (disadvantage of curious kids and a nosey husband).

I'm not quite sure when I lost my identity, for me it would be easy to say it was when I started to become poorly, because that's when my weight started to increase.  However, if I am truthful, and there is no point even writing this unless that's how I am to be, I think it happened a long time before that.  I haven't really felt particularly good about myself since I was about 18.  That's over half my life feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. 

I was always the chunky child, taller than anyone else, bigger chested (which before boobs basically means you look fat). Glasses, flat lifeless hair, cellulite early.  Seriously not a great look.  I was with the cool kids at school, not because I was 'cool' but because I was good at sport so I qualified.  It's still the same now isn't it - school yard pecking orders.  Then as I got older, I started to take control of my eating, only having small amounts of food, drinking lots, and as the weight started to come off, I started to be able to wear better clothes and look more attractive, which in turn, kept me eating less until my parents discovered my uneaten pizza in my drawer and my weight loss and frog-marched me down to the doctors surgery to discuss annorexia.  Part of me wanted it, part of me was trying for that, the only thing I was sad about was that I was unable to make myself sick as I have a fear of it.  That was my saving grace and perhaps the thing that stopped me for truly succumbing to the lure of the illness.  Those who have been there will understand, those who haven't will just think of it as being silly.

This was the time in my life when I felt amazing, when I cared about myself, thought about myself. Took time to make sure that I looked good and felt it too. It is a distant memory.

I didn't really realise how much weight I had gained because I was having such a good time.  I started to think about weight loss at key stages in my life, my wedding, having Madison (my first born), having Cassidy (my second born) and it seems as though that's where I kind of stopped......

So is it being a mum has caused me to lose sight of myself. I don't think it is, I think all the counselling that I had around that time, changed how I feel about my life, my attitude, my approach and the trouble is that I have changed inside, but on the outside, I still see the 'lost' person, who doesn't know where her life is going and who has absolutely no control over it whatsoever. 

There it stands, or I stand, feeling forgotten as a woman.  I'm a mum, wife, daughter, friend but I've forgotten how to feel fun and flirty, to feel sexy and alive, to want to accessorise, wear heels, wear make-up, get the contact lens out, have my nails done nicely.  Will that make me sexy, feel sexy or think sexy and come out of my ugly ducking phase.

The answer is there isn't it.  Writing this though has it's healing benefits of being able to get out of my head all the unnecessary madness that being a woman entails.

Luckily, through social networking I have bad some amazing motivation. www.weightlossbitch.com is amazing and very passionate about being positive. Perhaps rather than a feeling sexy is an attitude! I know what I want & I just have to keep focused & start working towards my goals again.

Perhaps eventually the Ugly Duckling will turn into a Swan but she might just be a slightly older one!