It often surprises me how quickly I retreat back into my comfort zone. How I crave change, need it to be able to improve my life, my situation, how I know I can turn a negative life into a positive one by some simple habit forming tasks, but yet, try as I might, it is so difficult to retain these habits so they become part of my new comfort zone. An everyday occurrence.
I am trying so hard to battle my condition, to try to seize my new life and live to the best of my ability with M.E. and the pain that goes with it. Sometimes, I feel as though I can deal with the pain, but the exhaustion that completely wipes me out, is another thing completely.
I know that in order to go forward with my life, to be able to maximise what I can out of it, I need to plan, almost become anal about it, to get into routines, to have flawless organisational skills so that things work like clockwork and that despite my condition, the fatigue and pain, life can still carry on and not stop whilst I do.
I used to be so good at multi-tasking, spinning lots of plates without many smashes, but for the longest time, this ability has left me.... Or has it? I'm not sure why I feel useless at handling multiple problems/jobs, I used to be able to handle a director and his sales team. Handle multiple temporary staff at multiple sites and know in my head who was available with what skills. So is it brain training that I need?
But yet now, as soon as I start something, whether it be pocket money for the girls, filling up their sweetie jars, putting their sports clothes, girls brigade outfits or rainbow tabbards into the appropriate bags, somehow the momentum just stops . BUT WHY
I found the same thing happened with work, an idea was formed and activated and used, but then slowly, it seemed to slip until it was forgotten. Then, months later at a brain storming session, the idea would be re-ignited and away I'd go again.
So why do I stop when something is working so well? The frustration with my own inability is mind-blowing when there is so much more I could do to help myself!
What are my barriers? Why can't I formulate the right habit and keep it going? I almost feel as though I need to brain storm my life and get it sorted. It's working and I am in a better head space. My Pain Management Course, helped me no end, realise that I can't be gun-ho about things, I can't boom & bust. Steph's quote if the word 'push' comes into it then it's not right! So I need to keep working - I am a work in progress!
All I can do is keep reminding myself of the days like today - gently paced out.
Originally I was due to have my hair cut, but Sandie had to cancel it. So as I was up anyway, I got dressed and popped over to Tracey for a cuppa. I then came home to have a shower and ended up having to wash stinky Popsie. I drove to the petrol station, filled up, drove to my art class and spent an hour, quietly painting away. I came home, plugged in my phone, sat down with my Kindle and read my book whilst Nij went out to the jobcentre. I have pootled about a little bit sorting out a bit of washing, trying to sync my i-phone etc. It's been a good day so far. I am starting to feel a little tired, but considering that I didn't get to sleep until 3am, I'm not giving myself a hard time over it!
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