Wow! There is a good reason why I avoid weepy films. 1. Unnecessary expenditure of energy 2. Don't like being over emotional because there is always the risk of opening the flood gates 3. Fight so hard to avoid sadness that I don't want fiction to penetrate that armour. 4. I like happy films that make me smile. OK so it seems in fact that I have many more tha 1 reason why I don't like weepy films.
However, sometimes to their credit depending on the quality of the screenplay, it actually sends a message across, loud & clear for you to recognise, understand, accept, think about & then hopefully act upon. The Last Song was the film, starring Miley Cyrus & Chris (name). Greg Kinnear was her dad who had lost contact with her when she punished him for splitting with her mum and moving back to his home town. Ronnie & her brother Jonus came to spend the summer with him, the story followed her journey through getting over her anger to let the true person shine through, to falling in love, forgiveness, & selflessness. It was a very good watch. Sitting in a different seat as a parent it just made me realise again, how short time is & how quickly life changes, not always for the best.
This time that I have with the girls is so precious, no matter what has happened we have to make the most of every second because we just do not know when that might be taken away. Instead if fighting, we should find calmer solutions to the problems - we should help the girls to celebrate their futures, be building them up & giving them routine & boundaries. Regardless of my condition, I have to step up more and be a better mum & make sure that this house is one that they are proud to call a home, at the moment it lacks love & that's what this home needs - music and laughter & fun! To have life breathed back into it - to feel alive!!
Friday, 15 February 2013
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Giving Something Back
Today was the day when I went on my own to Cheltenham Pain Clinic to go and be a Graduate of the Pain Management Course & be 'interviewed'.
I hope that I manage to convey the multiple benefits of going on the course, what to expect & what was going to happen. It felt quite strange doing this on my own without Vanessa & Scott to bounce off, laugh with & also convey the fun & friendships that we all found along our own particular pain journey.
I only knew Jane there & anxiously knocked on the door when I arrived. I was let in immediately & was listening to the 'feelings' chronic pain left you with, the anger, feeling like a burden & being a lesser person were the ones instantly identified. Then came my turn. I tried to answer the questions a fully as possible without rambling on unnecessarily.
I was offered cup of tea & decided to accept incase anyone wanted to ask me anything. No-one was approaching me & at that time I felt a little bit naked & on display, so I offered to help handout the drinks & found a couple of younger women who had smiled at me during the interview to chat to. One of them suffered from M.E. like me & another from something with similar symptoms. The conversation went round to how life had changed so dramatically & how we had all had to give up work. It was great to be able to tell Lucy (ME) that Susan from my course had been able to return to work, maybe not in the same capacity but she had returned - so there was Hope! It was time to go & I wishes Alison & Lucy good luck with their journey ahead & left.
Then it came, the feel-good rush that I used to get when I had finished a Slimming World Group. The feeling as though I had been able to do some good - to make a difference. Give help & hope that on some way, things would get better & no matter how small & insignificant it might feel improvement on current circumstances is massive! That's when it hit me, how much I missed doing group, helping people, becoming part of their lives and seeing them change before me. I just wish that I could do something like that again, to feel that worth again. It doesn't take away the pride that I have in Madison & Cassidy, or in their achievements, but it is hard to judge yourself as a parent as it's an evolving role. But when it came to helping people lose weight I could measure my success by their success.
So, it's just given me something to think about as and when I start to feel a little brighter, that even though I could never go back to Slimming World, I perhaps could think about doing something that 'helps' others. I'm still interested in the counselling side of things. May be just may be that's something that I need to follow through at some stage.
I hope that I manage to convey the multiple benefits of going on the course, what to expect & what was going to happen. It felt quite strange doing this on my own without Vanessa & Scott to bounce off, laugh with & also convey the fun & friendships that we all found along our own particular pain journey.
I only knew Jane there & anxiously knocked on the door when I arrived. I was let in immediately & was listening to the 'feelings' chronic pain left you with, the anger, feeling like a burden & being a lesser person were the ones instantly identified. Then came my turn. I tried to answer the questions a fully as possible without rambling on unnecessarily.
I was offered cup of tea & decided to accept incase anyone wanted to ask me anything. No-one was approaching me & at that time I felt a little bit naked & on display, so I offered to help handout the drinks & found a couple of younger women who had smiled at me during the interview to chat to. One of them suffered from M.E. like me & another from something with similar symptoms. The conversation went round to how life had changed so dramatically & how we had all had to give up work. It was great to be able to tell Lucy (ME) that Susan from my course had been able to return to work, maybe not in the same capacity but she had returned - so there was Hope! It was time to go & I wishes Alison & Lucy good luck with their journey ahead & left.
Then it came, the feel-good rush that I used to get when I had finished a Slimming World Group. The feeling as though I had been able to do some good - to make a difference. Give help & hope that on some way, things would get better & no matter how small & insignificant it might feel improvement on current circumstances is massive! That's when it hit me, how much I missed doing group, helping people, becoming part of their lives and seeing them change before me. I just wish that I could do something like that again, to feel that worth again. It doesn't take away the pride that I have in Madison & Cassidy, or in their achievements, but it is hard to judge yourself as a parent as it's an evolving role. But when it came to helping people lose weight I could measure my success by their success.
So, it's just given me something to think about as and when I start to feel a little brighter, that even though I could never go back to Slimming World, I perhaps could think about doing something that 'helps' others. I'm still interested in the counselling side of things. May be just may be that's something that I need to follow through at some stage.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
LOOK AT YOURSELF AFTER WATCHING THIS.mp4
This was shared this morning by the gorgeous Cara Gibson. I watched it and understood that my angels were sending me exactly what I needed to see it when I needed to see it.
Sometimes we say the words, but lack the belief behind them. This provides the belief for me, today & always. Nick gives me goosebumps with his passion for life! He hasn't let his disability get in his way! You don't know if you are going to get through the storm, you don't know how long it's going to last! But you do come through it.
I was starting to feel fed up and unworthy, just no appetite for life any more. I wish, no I demand of myself, to get back my life. To let go of the anger completely! To let go of the distaste for myself that seems to have enveloped me in recent years.
Sometimes we say the words, but lack the belief behind them. This provides the belief for me, today & always. Nick gives me goosebumps with his passion for life! He hasn't let his disability get in his way! You don't know if you are going to get through the storm, you don't know how long it's going to last! But you do come through it.
I was starting to feel fed up and unworthy, just no appetite for life any more. I wish, no I demand of myself, to get back my life. To let go of the anger completely! To let go of the distaste for myself that seems to have enveloped me in recent years.
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Enlightment
The last 48 hours have been a bit enlightening. Perhaps I might be the last to catch on,but eventually I do. I have not been able to get a grasp on why I've been so exhausted and so unwell for the past few weeks. It's not like I have been doing very much really! OK, so let me back the gravy train up & look at it again.
Mondays, I've been doing/meeting/getting together and generally been active. Tuesdays has been Slimming World and socialising with Rachael, Wednesdays has been 2 hour intensive sewing club and socialising with Tracey and the ladies afterwards. Thursdays have normally been doing something in the morning before heading off to Art Club at lunchtime. Fridays I sleep, Saturdays I try to sleep/surface, Sundays are normally a right-off.
I can't carry on like this at all. So it's time to really concentrate on my hibernation tactics. If people want to see me for now they are going to have to come here! I am going to get my sanctuary ready for all my wonderful craft projects that I've got that I'm going to do & those that I have yet to learn. I am going to get my laptop in the bedroom, so that I can blog, I've got my TV, magazines, DVD's, Kindle and the fulfilment of an old but still very real dream to write and publish a book of fiction.
So I've got choices to make, decisions ahead. I can either carry on making myself miserable and not having enough energy to last me through the week, or I can cut back now and make the best of what I have and gradually as I gain strength I can add more back in. But firstly it needs to be stripped back to the basics and start all over again - the beginning. I'm not looking at it as failure, merely a learning curve that eventually this thick head of mine will learn how to manage my condition so that I can recover!!!!!
Mondays, I've been doing/meeting/getting together and generally been active. Tuesdays has been Slimming World and socialising with Rachael, Wednesdays has been 2 hour intensive sewing club and socialising with Tracey and the ladies afterwards. Thursdays have normally been doing something in the morning before heading off to Art Club at lunchtime. Fridays I sleep, Saturdays I try to sleep/surface, Sundays are normally a right-off.
I can't carry on like this at all. So it's time to really concentrate on my hibernation tactics. If people want to see me for now they are going to have to come here! I am going to get my sanctuary ready for all my wonderful craft projects that I've got that I'm going to do & those that I have yet to learn. I am going to get my laptop in the bedroom, so that I can blog, I've got my TV, magazines, DVD's, Kindle and the fulfilment of an old but still very real dream to write and publish a book of fiction.
So I've got choices to make, decisions ahead. I can either carry on making myself miserable and not having enough energy to last me through the week, or I can cut back now and make the best of what I have and gradually as I gain strength I can add more back in. But firstly it needs to be stripped back to the basics and start all over again - the beginning. I'm not looking at it as failure, merely a learning curve that eventually this thick head of mine will learn how to manage my condition so that I can recover!!!!!
Getting Out of The Habit
It often surprises me how quickly I retreat back into my comfort zone. How I crave change, need it to be able to improve my life, my situation, how I know I can turn a negative life into a positive one by some simple habit forming tasks, but yet, try as I might, it is so difficult to retain these habits so they become part of my new comfort zone. An everyday occurrence.
I am trying so hard to battle my condition, to try to seize my new life and live to the best of my ability with M.E. and the pain that goes with it. Sometimes, I feel as though I can deal with the pain, but the exhaustion that completely wipes me out, is another thing completely.
I know that in order to go forward with my life, to be able to maximise what I can out of it, I need to plan, almost become anal about it, to get into routines, to have flawless organisational skills so that things work like clockwork and that despite my condition, the fatigue and pain, life can still carry on and not stop whilst I do.
I used to be so good at multi-tasking, spinning lots of plates without many smashes, but for the longest time, this ability has left me.... Or has it? I'm not sure why I feel useless at handling multiple problems/jobs, I used to be able to handle a director and his sales team. Handle multiple temporary staff at multiple sites and know in my head who was available with what skills. So is it brain training that I need?
But yet now, as soon as I start something, whether it be pocket money for the girls, filling up their sweetie jars, putting their sports clothes, girls brigade outfits or rainbow tabbards into the appropriate bags, somehow the momentum just stops . BUT WHY
I found the same thing happened with work, an idea was formed and activated and used, but then slowly, it seemed to slip until it was forgotten. Then, months later at a brain storming session, the idea would be re-ignited and away I'd go again.
So why do I stop when something is working so well? The frustration with my own inability is mind-blowing when there is so much more I could do to help myself!
What are my barriers? Why can't I formulate the right habit and keep it going? I almost feel as though I need to brain storm my life and get it sorted. It's working and I am in a better head space. My Pain Management Course, helped me no end, realise that I can't be gun-ho about things, I can't boom & bust. Steph's quote if the word 'push' comes into it then it's not right! So I need to keep working - I am a work in progress!
All I can do is keep reminding myself of the days like today - gently paced out.
Originally I was due to have my hair cut, but Sandie had to cancel it. So as I was up anyway, I got dressed and popped over to Tracey for a cuppa. I then came home to have a shower and ended up having to wash stinky Popsie. I drove to the petrol station, filled up, drove to my art class and spent an hour, quietly painting away. I came home, plugged in my phone, sat down with my Kindle and read my book whilst Nij went out to the jobcentre. I have pootled about a little bit sorting out a bit of washing, trying to sync my i-phone etc. It's been a good day so far. I am starting to feel a little tired, but considering that I didn't get to sleep until 3am, I'm not giving myself a hard time over it!
I am trying so hard to battle my condition, to try to seize my new life and live to the best of my ability with M.E. and the pain that goes with it. Sometimes, I feel as though I can deal with the pain, but the exhaustion that completely wipes me out, is another thing completely.
I know that in order to go forward with my life, to be able to maximise what I can out of it, I need to plan, almost become anal about it, to get into routines, to have flawless organisational skills so that things work like clockwork and that despite my condition, the fatigue and pain, life can still carry on and not stop whilst I do.
I used to be so good at multi-tasking, spinning lots of plates without many smashes, but for the longest time, this ability has left me.... Or has it? I'm not sure why I feel useless at handling multiple problems/jobs, I used to be able to handle a director and his sales team. Handle multiple temporary staff at multiple sites and know in my head who was available with what skills. So is it brain training that I need?
But yet now, as soon as I start something, whether it be pocket money for the girls, filling up their sweetie jars, putting their sports clothes, girls brigade outfits or rainbow tabbards into the appropriate bags, somehow the momentum just stops . BUT WHY
I found the same thing happened with work, an idea was formed and activated and used, but then slowly, it seemed to slip until it was forgotten. Then, months later at a brain storming session, the idea would be re-ignited and away I'd go again.
So why do I stop when something is working so well? The frustration with my own inability is mind-blowing when there is so much more I could do to help myself!
What are my barriers? Why can't I formulate the right habit and keep it going? I almost feel as though I need to brain storm my life and get it sorted. It's working and I am in a better head space. My Pain Management Course, helped me no end, realise that I can't be gun-ho about things, I can't boom & bust. Steph's quote if the word 'push' comes into it then it's not right! So I need to keep working - I am a work in progress!
All I can do is keep reminding myself of the days like today - gently paced out.
Originally I was due to have my hair cut, but Sandie had to cancel it. So as I was up anyway, I got dressed and popped over to Tracey for a cuppa. I then came home to have a shower and ended up having to wash stinky Popsie. I drove to the petrol station, filled up, drove to my art class and spent an hour, quietly painting away. I came home, plugged in my phone, sat down with my Kindle and read my book whilst Nij went out to the jobcentre. I have pootled about a little bit sorting out a bit of washing, trying to sync my i-phone etc. It's been a good day so far. I am starting to feel a little tired, but considering that I didn't get to sleep until 3am, I'm not giving myself a hard time over it!
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Negative Numpty
It never ceases to amaze me how draining the effects of negativity can be. How you don't even recognise it when it becomes engrained into your every day existence & is spouting out of your mouth as though it's a natural characteristic of your personality.
Negativity comes in lots of different guises, it can be blatant, bold and bloody-minded, or underlying, snide and suggested. Sometimes even the mere hint of negativity is enough for someone to pick up the negative gauntlet and go running off with it as fast as is humanly possible. Alternatively you can find yourself a shrivelled up sponge, soaking up everyone else's unwanted negativity until it is reaches excessive amounts and oozes freely from your very soul. It's attack is vicious and all consuming, assaulting all aspects of your being, your mind, your body, your soul until it completely devours you.
It spreads in a group like a infectious disease infecting one, then another, then another, passing, building, growing and becoming more powerful the more who succumb to it's toxic pleasure. It falsely feels comforting in it's communication - the bitch & moan concept of gossiping, expunging the feelings, rather than keeping them bottled up. But negativity isn't choosy, it's resilience is epic, so regardless of whether it's bottled or open, it still unleashes it's fury.
Stopping it is akin to giving up smoking. Starting the process so early in it's concept, that it's like learning to walk again, or talk again. The moment that your brain feels the cloud of negativity start, it needs to let it go. Imagination is key : putting the negative thought into a strong hold box, shutting the lid, locking it and dropping it into the ocean, alternatively & maybe a more relaxing vision is to put it on a white fluffy cloud and watch as it disappears into the distance. Recognise the thought, accept it for what it is and then push it away again.
Life is difficult, economic climates chaotic, minds busy, to weigh it down in negativity is punishment, to let it go, is freedom. Suddenly, that all consuming thought has vanished, your body, mind and soul, saved from the drudgery of negativity. The next thought comes along and the process is the same, float away little demon thought!
Soon you'll start to be more proficient, but, don't lapse or stop thinking - because those sneaky little negative monsters, will creep up on you when you least expect it. You'll start to spot the Negative Numpty's - those beyond help, who cannot resist, who are completely consumed all of the time, who will always harp on, find discord or find ways to try to bring you down, not perhaps intending to make you feel bad, but more-over to make them feel better. They were right, they knew best, comrades of misery.
Acceptance of others is paramount, you can't convert those, who don't want to be converted - they remain comfortable in that negative place. But what you can do is not let it taint you. Stick to your own conviction of positivity. Do you know how draining misery can be? Happy, positive actions, creative happy positive thoughts, which in itself make you a lot more fun to be around and a much better person for YOU to listen to inside your head - because that's the person who you have to live with, who you have to answer to. Don't be a negative numpty, be a positive passionate person!
Negativity comes in lots of different guises, it can be blatant, bold and bloody-minded, or underlying, snide and suggested. Sometimes even the mere hint of negativity is enough for someone to pick up the negative gauntlet and go running off with it as fast as is humanly possible. Alternatively you can find yourself a shrivelled up sponge, soaking up everyone else's unwanted negativity until it is reaches excessive amounts and oozes freely from your very soul. It's attack is vicious and all consuming, assaulting all aspects of your being, your mind, your body, your soul until it completely devours you.
It spreads in a group like a infectious disease infecting one, then another, then another, passing, building, growing and becoming more powerful the more who succumb to it's toxic pleasure. It falsely feels comforting in it's communication - the bitch & moan concept of gossiping, expunging the feelings, rather than keeping them bottled up. But negativity isn't choosy, it's resilience is epic, so regardless of whether it's bottled or open, it still unleashes it's fury.
Stopping it is akin to giving up smoking. Starting the process so early in it's concept, that it's like learning to walk again, or talk again. The moment that your brain feels the cloud of negativity start, it needs to let it go. Imagination is key : putting the negative thought into a strong hold box, shutting the lid, locking it and dropping it into the ocean, alternatively & maybe a more relaxing vision is to put it on a white fluffy cloud and watch as it disappears into the distance. Recognise the thought, accept it for what it is and then push it away again.
Life is difficult, economic climates chaotic, minds busy, to weigh it down in negativity is punishment, to let it go, is freedom. Suddenly, that all consuming thought has vanished, your body, mind and soul, saved from the drudgery of negativity. The next thought comes along and the process is the same, float away little demon thought!
Soon you'll start to be more proficient, but, don't lapse or stop thinking - because those sneaky little negative monsters, will creep up on you when you least expect it. You'll start to spot the Negative Numpty's - those beyond help, who cannot resist, who are completely consumed all of the time, who will always harp on, find discord or find ways to try to bring you down, not perhaps intending to make you feel bad, but more-over to make them feel better. They were right, they knew best, comrades of misery.
Acceptance of others is paramount, you can't convert those, who don't want to be converted - they remain comfortable in that negative place. But what you can do is not let it taint you. Stick to your own conviction of positivity. Do you know how draining misery can be? Happy, positive actions, creative happy positive thoughts, which in itself make you a lot more fun to be around and a much better person for YOU to listen to inside your head - because that's the person who you have to live with, who you have to answer to. Don't be a negative numpty, be a positive passionate person!
Monday, 14 January 2013
Catch 22
Life should be recalled "catch 22" because it appears to me that is what it continually sets out to do. You want to be a doctor but you can't stand the sight of blood. You like studying but are not clever enough to go to university. You need to get a good education or you can't get a good job. If you don't get a good job, you won't be happy. See dammed if you do & almost dammed if you don't.
I was smiling only to myself earlier. I am enjoying the reading bug again, properly for the first time in years, because my life has changed for me to be able to do that. I was hoping that in time once my literary prowess has developed more that I could go back to the creative writing that used to give me so much pleasure. I have written in one form or another all my life from school to college, doing poetry after leaving school, being editor for the IQPS, writing marketing material & job descriptions to enticing profile of candidates at the agencies to my own weekly newspaper column but it had been probably about 4 years since that happened - the longest time I've been without words.
So when the thought came to me today, I want to really focus one writing - my catch 22's started pouring in, I would get too tired, am not keeping my blog updated, need laptop upstairs, when could I find the time, I would forget where a plot would be headed.
My catch 22's had become excuses in my head - the voice of unreason putting obstacles of I can't instead of I can but how in my head. That in itself is not a legacy that I am prepared to leave my children whether or not I get better or don't from this condition. We have the power to be able to find solutions to problems but let the problems take over our consciousness - so I shall not be putting myself into a catch 22 situation. I shall be dealing with it slowly, by gradually dipping my toe into the literary world again, by blogging more, reading more & also getting different concepts & starting to pull them together. The difference is I have no deadlines or timescales - just where the words take me in my own imagination!
That's what's the most exciting thing - that is what is going to mean that I can so this because its also something that I want!
I was smiling only to myself earlier. I am enjoying the reading bug again, properly for the first time in years, because my life has changed for me to be able to do that. I was hoping that in time once my literary prowess has developed more that I could go back to the creative writing that used to give me so much pleasure. I have written in one form or another all my life from school to college, doing poetry after leaving school, being editor for the IQPS, writing marketing material & job descriptions to enticing profile of candidates at the agencies to my own weekly newspaper column but it had been probably about 4 years since that happened - the longest time I've been without words.
So when the thought came to me today, I want to really focus one writing - my catch 22's started pouring in, I would get too tired, am not keeping my blog updated, need laptop upstairs, when could I find the time, I would forget where a plot would be headed.
My catch 22's had become excuses in my head - the voice of unreason putting obstacles of I can't instead of I can but how in my head. That in itself is not a legacy that I am prepared to leave my children whether or not I get better or don't from this condition. We have the power to be able to find solutions to problems but let the problems take over our consciousness - so I shall not be putting myself into a catch 22 situation. I shall be dealing with it slowly, by gradually dipping my toe into the literary world again, by blogging more, reading more & also getting different concepts & starting to pull them together. The difference is I have no deadlines or timescales - just where the words take me in my own imagination!
That's what's the most exciting thing - that is what is going to mean that I can so this because its also something that I want!
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