Dreams

Friends

Friends - http://pinterest.com/pin/8092474304488448/

Making Life Simple

Isn’t it strange how we suddenly stop doing things that work for ourselves.  Like getting up five minutes early to make sure we can have breakfast. Or organizing the kids play dates weeks in advance to avoid disappointment at the weekends. In short just plain old fashioned planning.

My light bulb revelation moment came, when Hubby produced a three day food plan (out of thin air – yay him).  Something, which used to occur weekly in this house, until a few years ago.  However, time and life got in the way and it slipped by the way side, it shouldn’t have done but it did. 

Just a simple act of writing down dinners for the next couple of days has alleviated the constant thought process of what are we going to have for dinner tonight followed by the shopping and time wasting that went with the responding decision.  Most of which happened last minute in a rush during the evening routine, which isn’t the best time as most parents can appreciate and understand.

We used to shop differently, fill up the freezer to capacity and then eat out of it topping up with fresh items when needed.  This worked for us – so why stop doing it? Children.  I am going to put the blame on them : well, indirectly anyway.  I don’t think that we really got as far as thinking ahead, what after school activities would entail and the impact on the evening non-routine.  Not that I am disputing this is exactly how it should be, I encourage our children to do anything they feel they might like, but it’s the follow-through that my brain seems to press pause on. 

Learning from our experiment to day, we have come to the conclusion that we need to downsize our minds, in to a more concise manageable process that will have knock-on benefits for all areas of our lives.

Simple, that’s how we need life to be these days. 

As simple, as can be possible. 

We used to take for granted our teamwork capabilities, Nij could do a certain job whilst I did another, then I became poorly and it all went to pot.  So in this case the children have been mildly let off and we’ll aim the blame firmly at M.E.’s doorway – well it sucks anyway so might as well blame it for something else!

Nij reconnected with our menu planning because my mental food head has been all over the place.  First on Slimming World then Body by Vi then nothing, then all of it, then back and forth, until my weight ballooned, my head was hurting and confused and I didn’t know which way to go.  So now it’s all sorted.  I have a shake for breakfast and lunch and a weight watchers tea.  Simple.  The other three members of the family can pretty much eat the same thing, but Nij has frozen some meals for himself for back-up! 

At last we are getting our mojo back one small step at a time.  Perhaps this is the start of the long fight back to normality.  On second thought, normality is highly over-rated so we’ll just settle for being healthy and happy!  That’s one heck of a goal to have and live for.

Hope

Hope .....

It's such a little word isn't it? But yet on the other hand so huge.  

For the first time in a long time I really have hope that I am taking strides to battle my illness & take control of my life.

When you become debilitated with something whether an illness, a situation, a life-event, your confidence hits rock bottom.  The simplest of tasks feels like an undoable feat that you are completely incapable of performing & this in turn leaves you feeling utterly useless.

Whether its your mind or body that is affected - it makes no odds.  Your dependence upon someone else to get you through your day, eats away at you, gnaws at you & the core of your being, building up an anger that escalates with each day.  Negativity is a parasite that breeds & soon you have given up & given in to a way of life, no an existence that is a shadow of your former self.  Negative. wins.

I know with M.E. it strikes life's givers, life's earth angels.  Those that thrive on helping others being OK. The busy people who often live life taking on more & more & not stopping (case in question apparent).

So, with the parasite, the crash of life in tatters around your feet, you have to take help, accept it but most of all kick your butt hard or get a good friend to do it!!!  

Unless you do, there is a very big chance you will be wallowing in misery eternally - I joke about a hog wallowing in mud & sometimes we have to do what we have to do.  Please don't  think I say those words easily, I myself have suffered from a form of depression since I was 17 years old (if only I knew then what I know now)- isn't hindsight a genie you wish you could demand x3 wishes from, a sliding doors effect with a positive result guaranteed.  

When I first became ill with M.E. my mum said to me, instead of all these jobs you have, you get to do the one you say you were born wanting to do - be a mum! In that sentence she have me "hope".

I attended CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy & learnt that even though I may have projected happy on the outside, my head didn't reflect it on the inside.  I learnt that I had to be positive, my glass should be half full. Stress & negativity is so utterly draining that it takes on a life all of its own. It takes constant practice, constant review & study.  Positivity gives you a buzz, negativity doesn't. The people important to you & your life don't have to reach the positivity bat you set - you have a choice, either counter-act their negativity with positivity, expect their response & more forward or relegate them to acquaintance not friend.  Friends need to share your belief structure & ideals. Help you positively take your life foward & support you.  Or at least if not, be able to have their own positive alternative in their world!

So I have a hope, to help me cope, with losing weight, be less of a state. To help me energize, without a compromise, to feel alive with a health that thrives.

This to me is so huge, I want to feel better, spend less time resting in bed, get out more & while my girls are around demonstrate more energized resilience so they get the very best out of Mummy who suffers from M.E.

Eventually they will forget to label me with being poorly, unwell or with a condition, because I will be mum who just does.

New Diet - A Time for Change

Sometimes there comes a time when an opportunity arises to try something new & to try something different.  Change is a positive thing!

Some of you might be surprised to see that I am undertaking a brand new diet that has overtaken Weight Watchers in America as THE healthy way to lose weight & feel great.

I still wholeheartedly support Slimming World & their eating plans for without them I wouldn't have had my amazing children or 10 years of the best job I have had BUT.....

Sometimes it gives you a new lease of energy & results to mix things up.  I am starting a 90 day challenge with Body by Vi - which will fit into my life, it's packed with so much of the good stuff that is vital to me with my M.E. that the health benefits will help me feel better & energised as well as lose weight.  The challenge is 3 stone 42lbs in 90 days.  A goal which I am going to work hard to achieve. 

I have been given such positive feedback from people suffering from M.E. & Fibro who, since commencing their own challenges have noticed a significant improvement to their symptoms.  I will so everything I can to fight for my health - without exception.

Competitive Sport

It is such an argumentative subject.  We all have our opinions & most of them are as strong mine, regardless if you are for or against.

Each child has their own unique gift, some will grow up to be the next Jessica Ennis, some the next Stella McCartney, some Taylor Swift, or Keira Knightly. 

 In each area of our children's life there will be competition, it can't be avoided.  From who will play Mary or the Donkey in the Nativity Play, to who gets the most merit marks, who's in which colour group in infant school ( alas parents always know red is top).  It's life.  You compete when you play football for a knock around in the park, when you play a computer game, even when you attend a concert you compete for the best seats. The crux is that some people are academic, some creative, some sporty.  If we dont positively encourage them, then how will they strive to positively compete for jobs, we won't as a nation produce sport winners because they won't have the edge that competiveness needs to give them to excel in whichever their chosen area is.

I believe it's how you handle any situation with children, positive reassurance! My daughter didn't win, but I shouted like an Olympians mother, she did her absolute best & pushed herself smiling as she took part.  Doing her best is what counts, in the same way as academically she applies the same principles.  

If I take my two daughters they are like chalk & cheese.  But no matter what they do we actively encourage them to do their best, if they don't get full marks or aren't selected for a team it doesn't matter as long as they have done their best. They have no pressure from over pushy parents.  Sometimes you win a few, sometimes you don't, but if you never partake in life's events then you are going to miss out on so many adventures!

Cassidy goes Pop!

🌺Forestive🌺 OLLY MURS IN CONCERT at Westonbirt Arberitum 2013 Birthday Treat for Cassidy (who loves him). Also her first concert experience (& Nij's)

This has to be the most refined setting for a concert ever.  As I survey the horizon there are thousands of people having a good old picnic! Toasting with champagne!! Eating cocktail sausages & strawberries. Everyone is smiling in spite of the need for stylish Disney poncho's the green agricultural poncho, the clear see-through cling-film poncho or the PAC-a-mac brigade required to take cover! It was like the Mexican wave of waterproofs but luckily only required a couple of times. For those of you who may be interested, mine was a stylish black n white polka-dot PAC-a-mac that was held over my head like an unberella - much to the amusement of my girls who had to stand immediaty in front of me to be seen through the peephole!

It was another touch & go attendance but push I did - well it was Olly Murs!

Diana Vickers was the warm up act - love her accent & she sang well but truly the crowd were on tenterhooks for a certain person. 

 He came on stage early & wow did he hold a stage presence.  I don't think he stopped dancing the whole set.  He is just like you see him on the telly, funny, chatty, just like a BFF! Wonder if that position is filled.  What a live act! Even better live than on CD - the energy was infectious! I even did a bit of foot-tapping.  Nij was on his feet! Not necessarily dancing but slightly swaying!

The girls were so excited, they took their pennies & bought Olly hats & linyards with VIP passes (if only).

They danced their little hearts & bottoms off. Cassidy in a carefree style, Madison with moves better than Jagger! Boy that girl can dance!  Madison got emotional at Dear Darlin with tears & laughter.  Cassidy having asked at the start of every song when is Olly singing trouble maker - was overjoyed that he saved her best till last.

I sat there and watched.  I am so proud of my daughters, proud that for the entirety of the concert they thanked us both for taking them.  Especially Madison who realised it wasn't her treat but she got to come along too.  It was a great memory maker!

I may have ME, life may not be anything like it used to be but this, this night represents completely what has always been, what completely is & that is - we are Family! The Odam-Smiths!!

Youth Inspired

I have met a young vivacious friendly woman who has really impressed me! So much so, that I would hold a light up to her as an example to my girls! High praise indeed.  And the best part is she is just 18!!

One of the interesting social experimentation sides of my recent predicament with having to stop work, Nij having to look after me & enter the terrifying (yes it is) world of the benefits system, is the impact & influence that it has on our children, especially our older daughter.  

I appreciate that spirited opinionated younger generations (attitudal, outspoken, with the head that twitches from side to side with the hip stuck out as they sit there 'discussing issues) communication techniques of persuasion can be irrational when comments about lack of employment is used as an excuse not to work hard.  I cannot help but unleash a combination of my father, mother & all my own frustrations at our circumstances in one incoherent rant.  

So for my sake I am documenting said rant ...... It goes something along these lines ...

You have to work hard to experience life to the full. You have to strive towards goals to experience adventures.  The world (despite the news) can be an awesome place ready for you to explore! If you want to experience it you have to work to achieve it, take pride in the legacy that you pass onto your children.  Leave an imprint for others to admire.  Be kind, thoughtful of others, caring - but never under-estimate what you do will have ripple effects on others.  Your words, actions dictate you.  Be proud of yourself, be proud of the path you chose & if it doesn't work, choose another path.  You are never too old to create the you, you want to be - but never waste your life by sitting on your bum & expect the government to pay you for doing so.  I have worked my whole life from age 16 until I was forced to give up.  I miss it, the drive, the achievement (even if at the time I never felt good enough, thats an issue I wont allow my kids to experience) so now I consider parenting my job & I am working hard on that..

So my shining example is a credit to her family.  She is the oldest of four girls which means she has already made a positive imprint on how three women will view life.

So, this young lady has been working hard going to college to train, achieving distinctions for her endeavours.  She is working two jobs on top of going to college, in various shift patterns which often starts early in the morning, with a short break before starting the next job that finishes in the early hours.  She has future goals that she is working towards - a dream job, that will kick-start her adventures.  

Congratulations to this lady, whom I shall not name because well that's private.  She should feel incredibly proud of herself!  I think she's a superstar & as or her mum #respect.  Bringing up children isn't easy, but you lady have done a cracking job & as a mum inspiredw to continue the ranting so my little ladies can grow up to be strong, independent, hard working, sociable, friendly, kind with a great work ethic which will help them to have the best chance at an awesome life.

DOING THE IMPOSSIBLE WHICH MAKES IT JUST POSSIBLE

“No it’s not my girls type of thing.”  Was the response to the question...

"Mummy look what's arrived in the post for you this morning!" the little excited voice said as she hurtled into my bedroom whilst I was resting.

"They're for Rach huni." was my reply.

"Ohhhh" was hers with a very sad face.

The following weekend, on a trip to my parents, the children sat in the conservatory with a big cardboard box of lego, making houses, surgeries and a stairway to heaven!!!

“We can’t go with Sarah, would you like to go to Legoland?” was the question!

“We would love to, I didn’t realise how much the girls would like to!” was the response to the question.

“I told you so” – big smile….. was the reply, with the look that went with it, that only she who can, did get away with it.

That was just the start.  If I’m honest, that was when the worry started for me.  It was going to be a big day, the biggest day since I could remember, in fact since I had to give up work.

I am so lucky that all of the organisation was done by the lovely Rachael, who makes the preparation of world domination look like a trip to the park.  She’s on it like a jet-plane, a phone call here, a list there, an enquiry answered and before you know it the Walters / Smith road-trip to Legoland in Windsor was planned, organised and this weekend – executed.

The query in my mind was how on earth I was going to be able to manage to keep going, to be able to walk or be pushed in the pushchair (my oops wheelchair) around the vastness of the park and last long enough not to be poorly and ruin everyone’s fun. 

I rested the full week beforehand, but the doubt in the back of my mind was niggling so much that I was even contemplating bailing out at the last minute because I didn’t want to be a party-pooper!

The day before arrived, the picnic had been bought and the clothes put ready for two little girls who had no idea what was going to happen.  The youngest, had cried oodles having thought that mummy had forgotten her birthday treat of horse-riding and was so gutted this wasn’t happening.  "Trust me!" does not soothe the tears of a disappointed nearly 7 year old!

So the day arrived, it was do or die, so I decided to do (despite not doing mornings and arising at 5.45am! I mean who even invented that time of the day – it’s surely still the vampire hours!).  We managed to evict two children from their beds so that we could run errands (it worked – must remember that for future – should we ever need to get up at indecent hour again).  Even the arrival of the Walters Family didn’t put any query of what the day would entail!  My children are so gullible and before anyone asks yes they do get that from me!

Luckily both Walters took their cars and drove – the convoy began!!!  It was just another great excuse for two hours of girlie chit-chat without interruption apart from the odd "Mummy?" or "Auntie JoJo?" comments for the gorgeous Phoebe!  We hit Windsor and the first sign of traffic, a detour around the city, always useful to follow a truckie who knows all the short-cuts although will never live down the fact that he went the wrong way!!  Sorry Danny but sat next to your Missus when it happened was hilarious.  Only when pulling into the theme-park did we receive a communication from the car in front (with the Smith girls in it), two screaming girls, saying a million thank you’s, thanks, you’re wonderful, OMG!!!  You get the picture.  So pleased that nothing is ever taken for granted by them.

We disembarked and got ourselves organised, the buggy wheels pumped, the back-packs laiden with goodies and we entered the park.  The wheelchair was hired and we started.  Pictures say a thousand words so I’ve added a few to give you an idea! 

The best part of the day for me (along of course with spending time with my favourite family), was watching with pride my two little girls.  Apart from the constant requests to be pushed along in the chair, which I cannot fathom – was it tiredness or regression to a child-hood pleasure of being pushed everywhere!?  They were impeccable, as were indeed Phoebe who at 2 had very little to keep her occupied in the park (a big disappointment from a family point of view).  My girls played, picked up, held hands, and threw her into the air with glee.  They waited patiently without grumbling to go on rides, they got soaked with enjoyment!  The rain dripped off the ends of their noses but that didn’t stop the smiles or the anticipation of what was to come.  There were in depth discussions as to whom would accompany Master Daniel on the rides, but they played fair, Cassidy went first, she’d worked out how to make the hover-craft spin faster and was going to put it through it’s paces purely for Danny’s benefit.  Madison, reeled the machine in and then let it out with such glee that at one point I was hoping that it was secured effectively enough to counter-act her determination to make it go faster.

They went up in balloons, got their drivers licence and then we all nearly wet ourselves as Walters Competitive Crew hit the fire-engines and pumped away with such a force that when it hit the stop barrier, Phoebe was nearly catapulted into the next county!  Video link put on purely so that you too, can change your underwear!  Excuse the running with video at the start, Madison has yet to master that skill but will surely do so before the holiday next year.

I partnered Cassidy on the log-flume.  It took a long debate as to whether in fact it was long enough to get all four of us in it.  We were still discussing the point as the flumes started to wind their way around the course.  The final word of course, as you would expect was mine, when I suggested that Danny look between his legs and work out whether my bum would in fact fit in the gap before the middle bar on the seat came up. Without wishing to be impolite I told him, the likelihood was that I’d end up on his lap and that would not bode well at the top of the flume at the end.  As you would expect. I got drenched, my thoughtful plan of sitting right at the back faltered, as Cassidy ducked down in the front and I got hit straight in the face by the tidal wave of water that hit the flume.

Was I in pain? Yes.  Did I have to be pushed in a wheelchair? Yes (a most unpleasant experience (sorry boys you did a grand job) but makes you very aware of your body mass).  Did I medicate myself up to the hilt?  Yes I did.  And I was crippled for a few days with excruciating pain? Yes.  But I made it round! 

We stayed there from start to finish and I went on a couple of rides with my children.  I shared their excitement, the laughter, the rain, the picnic, the pirate-show! I booed & hissed (whilst making ham-rolls).  I spent the day with my favourite people including my wonderful husband who also queued with the children, kept them entertained.  The day was magic!

I could have persuaded myself that I couldn’t do it, that I wasn’t up to it.  I could let the fear of the repercussions of such a trip make me change my mind and not participate.  

But participate in life I will.  

I will share all the experiences with my children I can, I will savour every smile, every tear, every single bit of excitement they have, because they make me want to live my life.  I can do that, even despite everything, what I think is impossible is possible.

I also have to pay tribute to my gorgeous friend Rachael – this is us too here!  

Without her, I couldn’t have managed, wouldn’t have had the courage or back-up and constant encouragement to go out there and do it. So these special memories that I now have are completely down to her!  She is a super-rock, priceless – a real diamond.  THANK YOU!!!! (she hates me saying that to her).

So DOING THE IMPOSSIBLE makes it MORE THAN POSSIBLE!!!!!

Give a Little Love - Rantings of a Dreamer

I pull myself out of my dream state, not a common state for me to be in with the amount of medication I take.  I have always believed that dreams are our connection to the spirit world that they contain messages, advice, foreboding, you get the picture.  Last night I dreamed a dream of a 1000 episodes.  The dream that when you awaken for however brief a moment you are sucked straight back into the same dream, maybe not at the same precise time you left it but within the same 'episode'.  Imagine my surprise when I woke to find that the morning had evaporated with the memories of the dream being watched.  13.20pm, I finally managed to pull my conscious away back to the here and now. 

I cannot tell you exactly what the dream was about, but this morning, sorry, this afternoon I am left, with a feeling of loss.  A loss of love.  Something that I never ever in my wildest dreams (sorry a few unintentional puns might slip through) thought would ever be the case for me.  I love to love, dreamt of being in love, the prince, the kisses, the love-making, the romance, the passion, the children, the happiness that would envelope my life every day.  That is the me I think I am, or at least that I used to be, before I allowed myself to be robbed of it.

So life doesn't always work out the way you plan it, I wonder if there is anyone who can claim it does? Perhaps the planner, the 10 year objective maker who's list of goals is constantly marked down and strived for but is that really a life?  Yes, to some it is, we are all different and cannot be tarred with the same brush (pretty boring world otherwise).  But that's not the life for me.  Another question for another day.

As for today, my mind thinks of hardship. HARD.  I wonder in my pre-sleepiness daze, whether or not I, at the same time, lost the happiness gene, I turned off the love too.  Or not necessary turned it off, but kinda lost it along the way.  I do love, honestly I do, my family, my girls, my husband, my dog, my friends, but I think along the way, with the hardships that life threw at us, at me, I lost the passion, the fire in my belly that has driven me my whole life.  I discovered or rather uncovered in counselling that I had an unachievable level of expectation for myself, that my good was never good enough.  So, I wonder, at the same time as I realised that I had to turn it down a little bit, whether I actually lost the bleedin thing!!  Because I struggle to remember when I felt the fire in my belly the last time, feel the passion that used to drive my life forward (that gave me the edge to do better, the edge to do more, how can I possibly know where to find it again - find the FIGHT!!

If you look at my life now, it all feels a bit tired, a bit hard!  Or perhaps you don't see that, I'm going the whole hog and just having a wallowing session of mamouth proportions.  But I don't feel as though there is a purpose, I don't have a purpose.  I don't feel as though I am the person that I want it to be.  It feels to me as though I have given up being a person, an individual, a fighter, a fire belly burning individual that I was proud to be. Instead, I don't know who I am.  Except to say that everything reflects how I feel.  Everything is hard and tired.  An explanation is required to myself as much as to you and that is where for me the project must start.  If it doesn't I'll end up reading this blog in months, god forbid, years, thinking well nothing changed, because I did nothing to change.

I was never a particularly tidy person, but I was organised.  I had pride in things.  Myself, my car, my house, my appearance, my children.  Now I feel as though that is lost.  The carpet that welcomes people into my home, is disgusting, the walls are dirty, I walk past them daily but do not wash them.  Things are collected and moved from place to place, never dealt with just moved.  Ther is no place for everything and everything is most certainly not in its' place.  The girls don't treat their toys with respect, they are used, battered and lost. There is no structure, no organisation, no life, no love.  OK, I have been a bit melodramatic but that's how I feel and this is my blog!  Just giving just that little bit of love, would mark some the changes that could take place.

To my children - a little bit more love, could give them more structure, more responsibility, more confidence in themselves, more pride in their appearance, their attitude, and their space.  It would also mean they have no doubt that they are my perfect moments (an explanation on that will come another time).  They will know what it means to think of others, to be kind, thoughtful - what you give out, you get back, I say it like I do it, but perhaps if I just say that I used to.  Please don't think that I have raised a couple of rug-rat- Neanderthals but just showing that little bit more consideration  and respect for things and people will make a big difference. 

My friends.  They are so important to me, but I don't really think they necessarily know it.  I know I do tell them but.....  The internet, the mobile phone, my addiction to Facebook, Twitter, Kindle, TV.  I don't make time for those that aren't within travelling distance to call to make sure they are doing great, to visit, to spend just a moment of time with them, a moment that you never know may be taken away from you.....

My household,  OUCH that is such a big one.  It needs some love back into it, in fact, it needs a full blown, lip-smackingly passionate affair of the highest degree of all things loving.  Small things can make such a big difference. The hoover being put around, the carpet being cleaned, the toilets having bleach in them, the dinner things put away at night, the duster coming out, if you see something that needs doing instead of ignoring it just do it.  That's for starters - I don't want to take up the whole post going through everything that is wrong that needs to be done.  Let's just say that it is a massive undertaking of our own creation - using excuses as time, money, energy can only be excuses for so long.  The circumstances have continued to change but the excuses remain the same.  You can't have something for nothing.  You've got to put the effort in to get the results out.

My family:  again it's very similar to my friends.  I am so blessed with my parents, and my brother with whom I have nothing in common, whom doesn't really have a lot to say to me, but he's awesome, just different to me (if he read this he's probably grateful).  I need to take time to let them know that I love them, regular phone calls, visits, cards just being thoughtful.  How many times have you opened the post and there is a colourful envelope amongst the bills and the debt.  It pulls you to it and you open it first, a surprise card just to say you are loved, speaks more than a thousand words!

My relationship:  Ahhhh.  Time to talk, time to romance, time to love, time to be honest, rediscover the passion, even a few hidden kisses, a few little cuddles. It doesn't have to be about the sex, although obviously.....  it has to be about the acts of love!  The talking, the being together rather than existing in the same household. Its about valuing each others opinion but also making it a partnership, one that I have been sadly lacking in the equality stakes recently.

Truth be told at the moment I don't feel as though I am benefiting the world in any way, certainly not myself.  Failure is a horrible word, so I'm not going to use it - I'm in a state of sleep at the moment, but it's about bloody time I woke up and smelt the gladioli! 

So I've kind of left myself to last...  perhaps because I am a little at a loss of how to fix this and give myself some love.  Each element of the above will have an impact on myself.  I need to find what makes me happy again.  I need to get myself well so that I can get a fire in my belly again.  In Edward Cullin's words - that to me is my very own brand of heroin!  I want to be able to clear my life so that I can live it again.  Purge myself of all that makes me unhappy, that isn't right, that is annoying, frustrating, that causes problems, but I don't think death is an option!!  

So, I need to seriously put my thinking cap on and come up with some solutions that will start to give me back my life, but ones that I can do, that I will do, because as much as you might be fed up with me harping on about making changes, I am fed up of not following through and being in the same situation, every couple of months because I haven't been able to work out a proper solution  that has made enough difference to tilt the scales towards the feel good factor.  

Some might argue that our circumstances, being in debt, me being diagnosed with M.E., Nij not having a job and having to becme my carer is enough to make life hard, it is, but I don't want hardness in my life, I want a little love.  

So whilst I settle myself down to create the next part of my dream, I shall try to dream solutions. I need to decide what I want for me, so that I can make things happen and get addicted to my fire again.  

I'm not bailing on myself, I am giving myself a chance to be positive......  A chance to think clearly about what difference I can realistically make.  For me to give a little love and dream a better dream....

Right of Passage

The start of the new school term and the message is coming through loud and clear - thank goodness a bit of normality returns, but I cannot share those same sentiments.  I have always loved having my children at home with me.  It is where they belong.  I didn't become a mother to give them away for the majority of the day.  My concept truly made by emotion rather than functionality or practicality, and I realise that this is a whole can of worms.  Before we go down that route, I was very lucky that I had changed my career before my children came along that allowed me that luxury as well as working until very recently.

I remember when Madison first started nursery, I could hear her when she cried, I knew it in my soul, we had a connection so strong.  I know when Cassidy fought me all the way into the school, I knew when her soul was settled and she had eased into her day.  Don't ask me how, but I know.

I truly don't believe you know what unconditional love is until you hold your child in your arms.  If only they came with a little guide!  It wouldn't have to be a fully indexed A-Z of every aspect of their entire lives, lets face it a little surprise and spontaneity is a good thing.  But how to help them deal with the obstacles of life would be a great help through the darker days of helping someone grow up (when fundamentally you don't want them to), especially through the early years. 

I think I've learnt more things about myself in the past 3 years than I have in the 38 I had lived previously to that, I could live regretting it or realise that the next 20 can be different.  It would be reassuring to know that I've helped them get through the problems that I can help them with, whilst they are in my care and with every fibre of my being I will adhere to the promise, that I would do absolutely anything I could to make my child happy if they were born fit and healthy (you made that promise too I know it).

So where is my dilemma?  Trying to help my daughter deal with the cruelty of others.  I have always brought both of my children up to be kind, caring, thoughtful, sensitive, polite and respectful.  In the main, as far as others are concerned they both are and I couldn't be prouder of them both.  But kids are cruel and working out complex relationships at 9 years old, shouldn't be a factor, but it is, times are changing, a child isn't allowed much of a childhood anymore before they are pigeon-holed, studied, analysed and boxed. 

These children are going through at 9 what I did at senior school.  It's Madison's right of passage to live through this experience and learn how to put the coping mechanisms in place now, so that they are secure and solid for her to build upon, the trouble is shaky foundations from a previous difficulty at school, coupled with an unrelenting worry and anger about my illness means that unlike her peers, she is more sensitive and takes to heart all that is going on around her.  "Why can't everyone just be friends and have fun together?  If they don't like someone why not just stay away from that person and if they do like someone, then just be kind and play with them."  Straight forward, but yet it never is.

This school playground mentality and behaviour will haunt them their whole lives (girls being bitchy and gossipping, boys that can do sport and can't) until that is I can help to teach them otherwise.  We do not want to deal with negativity and those children who choose to behave in this way exude negative energy which is draining and tiring and we do not have the spare energy capacity to deal with it.  If we can't change something, then we have to try not to worry about it, because again, that's wasted energy which we don't want to use in this way.  It is so amazing how much negative karma is given off by others that we absorb like sponges until we become the lemming that follows the pack.  Not everyone is born to be a leader and often those that take that 'role' at school, is merely the one who has the best manipulating skills (future politician), or who exudes confidence to the point of unquestioning leadership (future politician), or the one who has older siblings in the school, a well 'known' family in the area - one of the in crowd that often exists with the boundaries of the schooling community.

So with trepidation, the school year term begins, the final one before we can say goodbye to two years of stolen items, things going missing, disrupted lessons, acts of intimidation, bullying and unkind words and actions.    If it wasn't for the fact that I myself am academically challenged and energy inefficient then I would consider home-tutoring.  But alas that is not meant to be - luckily for both of my girls.

How quickly they grow.  I cannot stop time or turn it back because if I could not only would I be onto a complete winner financially but in addition there are some pretty major events that I would change, especially the owl glasses that I wore at 17! I want to make sure that the strength that I am trying to instill in my children, a confidence in what is right and wrong, what makes a good person, cherishing their kindness & nurturing their spirits so that they can live their dreams, experience their gifts and live a happy life.  I just have to somehow get them through the next couple of years schooling whilst hoping all of their amazing qualities that makes them who they are remain unspoilt.

Cassidy - first day of pre-school

Madison Year 1

Madison Reception - 1st Day of Infant School

My Beautiful Girls - I couldn't be more proud!

Forgotten How To Be Sexy, Feel Sexy, Think Sexy - Ugly Duckling Syndrome

This post is pretty personal & I don't think that I am probably alone with my thoughts, but yet I find myself not wanting to write this with anyone else peeping over my shoulder (disadvantage of curious kids and a nosey husband).

I'm not quite sure when I lost my identity, for me it would be easy to say it was when I started to become poorly, because that's when my weight started to increase.  However, if I am truthful, and there is no point even writing this unless that's how I am to be, I think it happened a long time before that.  I haven't really felt particularly good about myself since I was about 18.  That's over half my life feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. 

I was always the chunky child, taller than anyone else, bigger chested (which before boobs basically means you look fat). Glasses, flat lifeless hair, cellulite early.  Seriously not a great look.  I was with the cool kids at school, not because I was 'cool' but because I was good at sport so I qualified.  It's still the same now isn't it - school yard pecking orders.  Then as I got older, I started to take control of my eating, only having small amounts of food, drinking lots, and as the weight started to come off, I started to be able to wear better clothes and look more attractive, which in turn, kept me eating less until my parents discovered my uneaten pizza in my drawer and my weight loss and frog-marched me down to the doctors surgery to discuss annorexia.  Part of me wanted it, part of me was trying for that, the only thing I was sad about was that I was unable to make myself sick as I have a fear of it.  That was my saving grace and perhaps the thing that stopped me for truly succumbing to the lure of the illness.  Those who have been there will understand, those who haven't will just think of it as being silly.

This was the time in my life when I felt amazing, when I cared about myself, thought about myself. Took time to make sure that I looked good and felt it too. It is a distant memory.

I didn't really realise how much weight I had gained because I was having such a good time.  I started to think about weight loss at key stages in my life, my wedding, having Madison (my first born), having Cassidy (my second born) and it seems as though that's where I kind of stopped......

So is it being a mum has caused me to lose sight of myself. I don't think it is, I think all the counselling that I had around that time, changed how I feel about my life, my attitude, my approach and the trouble is that I have changed inside, but on the outside, I still see the 'lost' person, who doesn't know where her life is going and who has absolutely no control over it whatsoever. 

There it stands, or I stand, feeling forgotten as a woman.  I'm a mum, wife, daughter, friend but I've forgotten how to feel fun and flirty, to feel sexy and alive, to want to accessorise, wear heels, wear make-up, get the contact lens out, have my nails done nicely.  Will that make me sexy, feel sexy or think sexy and come out of my ugly ducking phase.

The answer is there isn't it.  Writing this though has it's healing benefits of being able to get out of my head all the unnecessary madness that being a woman entails.

Luckily, through social networking I have bad some amazing motivation. www.weightlossbitch.com is amazing and very passionate about being positive. Perhaps rather than a feeling sexy is an attitude! I know what I want & I just have to keep focused & start working towards my goals again.

Perhaps eventually the Ugly Duckling will turn into a Swan but she might just be a slightly older one!

The Last Sing Influence

Wow! There is a good reason why I avoid weepy films. 1. Unnecessary expenditure of energy 2. Don't like being over emotional because there is always the risk of opening the flood gates 3. Fight so hard to avoid sadness that I don't want fiction to penetrate that armour. 4. I like happy films that make me smile. OK so it seems in fact that I have many more tha 1 reason why I don't like weepy films.

However, sometimes to their credit depending on the quality of the screenplay, it actually sends a message across, loud & clear for you to recognise, understand, accept, think about & then hopefully act upon. The Last Song was the film, starring Miley Cyrus & Chris (name). Greg Kinnear was her dad who had lost contact with her when she punished him for splitting with her mum and moving back to his home town. Ronnie & her brother Jonus came to spend the summer with him, the story followed her journey through getting over her anger to let the true person shine through, to falling in love, forgiveness, & selflessness. It was a very good watch. Sitting in a different seat as a parent it just made me realise again, how short time is & how quickly life changes, not always for the best.

This time that I have with the girls is so precious, no matter what has happened we have to make the most of every second because we just do not know when that might be taken away. Instead if fighting, we should find calmer solutions to the problems - we should help the girls to celebrate their futures, be building them up & giving them routine & boundaries. Regardless of my condition, I have to step up more and be a better mum & make sure that this house is one that they are proud to call a home, at the moment it lacks love & that's what this home needs - music and laughter & fun! To have life breathed back into it - to feel alive!!

Giving Something Back

Today was the day when I went on my own to Cheltenham Pain Clinic to go and be a Graduate of the Pain Management Course & be 'interviewed'.

I hope that I manage to convey the multiple benefits of going on the course, what to expect & what was going to happen. It felt quite strange doing this on my own without Vanessa & Scott to bounce off, laugh with & also convey the fun & friendships that we all found along our own particular pain journey.

I only knew Jane there & anxiously knocked on the door when I arrived. I was let in immediately & was listening to the 'feelings' chronic pain left you with, the anger, feeling like a burden & being a lesser person were the ones instantly identified. Then came my turn. I tried to answer the questions a fully as possible without rambling on unnecessarily.

I was offered cup of tea & decided to accept incase anyone wanted to ask me anything. No-one was approaching me & at that time I felt a little bit naked & on display, so I offered to help handout the drinks & found a couple of younger women who had smiled at me during the interview to chat to. One of them suffered from M.E. like me & another from something with similar symptoms. The conversation went round to how life had changed so dramatically & how we had all had to give up work. It was great to be able to tell Lucy (ME) that Susan from my course had been able to return to work, maybe not in the same capacity but she had returned - so there was Hope! It was time to go & I wishes Alison & Lucy good luck with their journey ahead & left.

Then it came, the feel-good rush that I used to get when I had finished a Slimming World Group. The feeling as though I had been able to do some good - to make a difference. Give help & hope that on some way, things would get better & no matter how small & insignificant it might feel improvement on current circumstances is massive!  That's when it hit me, how much I missed doing group, helping people, becoming part of their lives and seeing them change before me.  I just wish that I could do something like that again, to feel that worth again.  It doesn't take away the pride that I have in Madison & Cassidy, or in their achievements, but it is hard to judge yourself as a parent as it's an evolving role.  But when it came to helping people lose weight I could measure my success by their success.

So, it's just given me something to think about as and when I start to feel a little brighter, that even though I could never go back to Slimming World, I perhaps could think about doing something that 'helps' others.  I'm still interested in the counselling side of things.  May be just may be that's something that I need to follow through at some stage.

LOOK AT YOURSELF AFTER WATCHING THIS.mp4

This was shared this morning by the gorgeous Cara Gibson.  I watched it and understood that my angels were sending me exactly what I needed to see it when I needed to see it.

Sometimes we say the words, but lack the belief behind them.  This provides the belief for me, today & always.  Nick gives me goosebumps with his passion for life!  He hasn't let his disability get in his way!  You don't know if you are going to get through the storm, you don't know how long it's going to last!  But you do come through it.

I was starting to feel fed up and unworthy, just no appetite for life any more.  I wish, no I demand of myself, to get back my life.  To let go of the anger completely!  To let go of the distaste for myself that seems to have enveloped me in recent years.

Enlightment

The last 48 hours have been a bit enlightening.  Perhaps I might be the last to catch on,but eventually I do.  I have not been able to get a grasp on why I've been so exhausted and so unwell for the past few weeks.  It's not like I have been doing very much really!  OK, so let me back the gravy train up & look at it again.

Mondays, I've been doing/meeting/getting together and generally been active.  Tuesdays has been Slimming World and socialising with Rachael, Wednesdays has been 2 hour intensive sewing club and socialising with Tracey and the ladies afterwards.  Thursdays have normally been doing something in the morning before heading off to Art Club at lunchtime. Fridays I sleep, Saturdays I try to sleep/surface, Sundays are normally a right-off.

I can't carry on like this at all.  So it's time to really concentrate on my hibernation tactics.  If people want to see me for now they are going to have to come here!  I am going to get my sanctuary ready for all my wonderful craft projects that I've got that I'm going to do & those that I have yet to learn.  I am going to get my laptop in the bedroom, so that I can blog, I've got my TV, magazines, DVD's, Kindle and the fulfilment of an old but still very real dream to write and publish a book of fiction.

So I've got choices to make, decisions ahead.  I can either carry on making myself miserable and not having enough energy to last me through the week, or I can cut back now and make the best of what I have and gradually as I gain strength I can add more back in.  But firstly it needs to be stripped back to the basics and start all over again - the beginning.  I'm not looking at it as failure, merely a learning curve that eventually this thick head of mine will learn how to manage my condition so that I can recover!!!!!

Getting Out of The Habit

It often surprises me how quickly I retreat back into my comfort zone.  How I crave change, need it to be able to improve my life, my situation, how I know I can turn a negative life into a positive one by some simple habit forming tasks, but yet, try as I might, it is so difficult to retain these habits so they become part of my new comfort zone. An everyday occurrence.

I am trying so hard to battle my condition, to try to seize my new life and live to the best of my ability with M.E. and the pain that goes with it.  Sometimes, I feel as though I can deal with the pain, but the exhaustion that completely wipes me out, is another thing completely.  

I know that in order to go forward with my life, to be able to maximise what I can out of it, I need to plan, almost become anal about it, to get into routines, to have flawless organisational skills so that things work like clockwork and that despite my condition, the fatigue and pain, life can still carry on and not stop whilst I do. 

I used to be so good at multi-tasking, spinning lots of plates without many smashes, but for the longest time, this ability has left me....  Or has it?  I'm not sure why I feel useless at handling multiple problems/jobs, I used to be able to handle a director and his sales team.  Handle multiple temporary staff at multiple sites and know in my head who was available with what skills.  So is it brain training that I need?  

But yet now, as soon as I start something, whether it be pocket money for the girls, filling up their sweetie jars, putting their sports clothes, girls brigade outfits or rainbow tabbards into the appropriate bags, somehow the momentum just stops .  BUT WHY

I found the same thing happened with work, an idea was formed and activated and used, but then slowly, it seemed to slip until it was forgotten.  Then, months later at a brain storming session, the idea would be re-ignited and away I'd go again.

So why do I stop when something is working so well? The frustration with my own inability is mind-blowing when there is so much more I could do to help myself!

What are my barriers?  Why can't I formulate the right habit and keep it going?  I almost feel as though I need to brain storm my life and get it sorted.  It's working and I am in a better head space.  My Pain Management Course, helped me no end, realise that I can't be gun-ho about things, I can't boom & bust.  Steph's quote if the word 'push' comes into it then it's not right!  So I need to keep working - I am a work in progress!

All I can do is keep reminding myself of the days like today - gently paced out.

Originally I was due to have my hair cut, but Sandie had to cancel it.  So as I was up anyway, I got dressed and popped over to Tracey for a cuppa.  I then came home to have a shower and ended up having to wash stinky Popsie.  I drove to the petrol station, filled up, drove to my art class and spent an hour, quietly painting away.  I came home, plugged in my phone, sat down with my Kindle and read my book whilst Nij went out to the jobcentre.  I have pootled about a little bit sorting out a bit of washing, trying to sync my i-phone etc.  It's been a good day so far.  I am starting to feel a little tired, but considering that I didn't get to sleep until 3am, I'm not giving myself a hard time over it!

Negative Numpty

It never ceases to amaze me how draining the effects of negativity can be.  How you don't even recognise it when it becomes engrained into your every day existence & is spouting out of your mouth as though it's a natural characteristic of your personality. 

Negativity comes in lots of different guises, it can be blatant, bold and bloody-minded, or underlying, snide and suggested.  Sometimes even the mere hint of negativity is enough for someone to pick up the negative gauntlet and go running off with it as fast as is humanly possible.  Alternatively you can find yourself a shrivelled up sponge, soaking up everyone else's unwanted negativity until it is reaches excessive amounts and oozes freely from your very soul.  It's attack is vicious and all consuming, assaulting all aspects of your being, your mind, your body, your soul until it completely devours you.

It spreads in a group like a infectious disease infecting one, then another, then another, passing, building, growing and becoming more powerful the more who succumb to it's toxic pleasure.  It falsely feels comforting in it's communication - the bitch & moan concept of gossiping, expunging the feelings, rather than keeping them bottled up.  But negativity isn't choosy, it's resilience is epic, so regardless of whether it's bottled or open, it still unleashes it's fury.

Stopping it is akin to giving up smoking.  Starting the process so early in it's concept, that it's like learning to walk again, or talk again.  The moment that your brain feels the cloud of negativity start, it needs to let it go.  Imagination is key :  putting the negative thought into a strong hold box, shutting the lid, locking it and dropping it into the ocean, alternatively & maybe a more relaxing vision is to put it on a white fluffy cloud and watch as it disappears into the distance.  Recognise the thought, accept it for what it is and then push it away again.

Life is difficult, economic climates chaotic, minds busy, to weigh it down in negativity is punishment, to let it go, is freedom.  Suddenly, that all consuming thought has vanished, your body, mind and soul, saved from the drudgery of negativity.  The next thought comes along and the process is the same, float away little demon thought!

Soon you'll start to be more proficient, but, don't lapse or stop thinking - because those sneaky little negative monsters, will creep up on you when you least expect it.  You'll start to spot the Negative Numpty's - those beyond help, who cannot resist, who are completely consumed all of the time, who will always harp on, find discord or find ways to try to bring you down, not perhaps intending to make you feel bad, but more-over to make them feel better. They were right, they knew best, comrades of misery.

Acceptance of others is paramount, you can't convert those, who don't want to be converted - they remain comfortable in that negative place.  But what you can do is not let it taint you.  Stick to your own conviction of positivity.  Do you know how draining misery can be?  Happy, positive actions, creative happy positive thoughts, which in itself make you a lot more fun to be around and a much better person for YOU to listen to inside your head - because that's the person who you have to live with, who you have to answer to.  Don't be a negative numpty, be a positive passionate person!

Catch 22

Life should be recalled "catch 22" because it appears to me that is what it continually sets out to do. You want to be a doctor but you can't stand the sight of blood. You like studying but are not clever enough to go to university. You need to get a good education or you can't get a good job. If you don't get a good job, you won't be happy. See dammed if you do & almost dammed if you don't.

I was smiling only to myself earlier. I am enjoying the reading bug again, properly for the first time in years, because my life has changed for me to be able to do that. I was hoping that in time once my literary prowess has developed more that I could go back to the creative writing that used to give me so much pleasure. I have written in one form or another all my life from school to college, doing poetry after leaving school, being editor for the IQPS, writing marketing material & job descriptions to enticing profile of candidates at the agencies to my own weekly newspaper column but it had been probably about 4 years since that happened - the longest time I've been without words.

So when the thought came to me today, I want to really focus one writing - my catch 22's started pouring in, I would get too tired, am not keeping my blog updated, need laptop upstairs, when could I find the time, I would forget where a plot would be headed.

My catch 22's had become excuses in my head - the voice of unreason putting obstacles of I can't instead of I can but how in my head. That in itself is not a legacy that I am prepared to leave my children whether or not I get better or don't from this condition. We have the power to be able to find solutions to problems but let the problems take over our consciousness - so I shall not be putting myself into a catch 22 situation. I shall be dealing with it slowly, by gradually dipping my toe into the literary world again, by blogging more, reading more & also getting different concepts & starting to pull them together. The difference is I have no deadlines or timescales - just where the words take me in my own imagination!

That's what's the most exciting thing - that is what is going to mean that I can so this because its also something that I want!